It’s an attack

No, I can’t get over it. Yes, I can control it. Yet, sometimes it just hits you by surprise. Ha! It’s not a thing… or a condition… it’s a person. It’s part of me and it has always been there waiting when I’m at my weakest. It will always be there at the end point of my periferal vision, no, it’s right there, behind me. Always lingering, and plotting what it should destroy next. Please understand.. it creeps and weaves it’s own threads into me. Its like I’ve become it’s puppet and I have no control over my emotions. I cannot fixate what my mind wants, and everything just ruins. It crashes. It fights back harder and harder. I can’t take it. I want to be held, I want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. When I’m at my weakest no one will be there reaching, and it will always be when I am alone. I’m out here in the open street thinking why am I here? Where am I ? I’m just looking and I don’t know what to do. Depression does attack and if you know me well enough.. you would know how much pain it could cause me physically. I’m sorry.

Kaname

Closure

Beyond, my first rave, the time when I walked out of that door to find something new, and the end of my chapter with him. There’s  nothing left for us, but the little things I’ve made you. Those are our memories, but it’s sad that I don’t have anything from you to remember you by. I guess it’s for the better, right? I mean, it was awkward when I stayed over even when I was with you the whole time during the rave. It felt like I didn’t belong in your life anymore, and at one point my feelings just disappeared. It was like a creeper or maybe it was the pill, but whatever. It’s in the past, and I don’t want to go back and say my hellos again. I’ve moved on. You  got to live strong and waste away what’s holding you back from your future, and I still have a long way to go. I know I’ve fucked up, and hurt many, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s best to just look forward. It’s a goodbye.

-Kaname

The little things

I’ve made a Mason jar filled with 31 reasons or quotes why I loved him.

I’ve made a poster board that became our bucket list. A lost filled with drawings and notes.

I’ve made a mug and wrote quotes all over.

I’ve made many personal things for him, and these are just a few. I guess when I start to love someone I become more crafty and artsy. Blah long story short I’m visiting him and even when it’s over I’m more surprised that he still has my gifts. I’d think he’d throw them away, but I guess he really just couldn’t. It’s a real bitter sweet feeling actually. When I came to visit I had already had the mindset that everything is gone. Guess not.

-kaname

It’s like a diet

You know when you miss him and you let yourself come back wanting more, but you know for a fact that in the end you’ll feel like shit? Yeah, it’s the same feeling when you’re on a diet and you eat a box full of pizza. All you want to do is throw up. Feeling bad and disappointing yourself with a cup full of self disrespect. Welp fuck it.
-kaname

Let’s leave it here

Putting my heart on my sleeve, no. I’ll leave it in a treasure box then throw it into the deep blue abyss, and place the key where dragons live. Fantasy works it’s wonders right? What I mean is that I won’t allow anyone to have my heart, but I’m willing to let anyone to find it. I want to see who is willing to do that extra mile, because I’m done allowing people in without an effort. Don’t ask it from me. Break a god damn sweat.. shed a tear.. but I want to see something… I’m not picky, but I’m not easy either. All I’m asking is someone to try as much effort I’m willing to give. So I’ll place my pieces here and there. All you have to do is fucking try. You could be anyone. You just to show me what you’re willing to do. No, I don’t need materialistic things. I’m simple.. make me feel and show me what you got. Fuck, race.. or how you look. Make me feel.
-kaname

Your absence

Whatever you’re doing now with your life I’d like to say I’m feeling a little bitter and sweet. Why? I’m happy that I’ve found the motivation to do better in my life. How? I know that lingering feelings is a type of fuel. It just depends how you use it. Some people just get depress and some people make work happen. I thank you for your absence.. why? I’m starting to find new things about myself, good things. We all know crying everyday and feeling depress doesn’t do any justice. I take a breath every morning..and I catch myself talking to myself while Adele’s fucking music playing.. that today isn’t the day I break. You’re gone and I can’t stop that and I can’t bring you back either. I’ve come to my senses. You know that key I gave you so you could keep coming back? Well, I changed the locks. No one is getting in anymore and I don’t need anyone walking out on me without even coming back. You don’t need to back to me, but it’s always nice if you could visit. Sight* I’m sorry though. For all the hard work I put in just so I could make you happy I’m done. It’s too much pain and I’ve suffered enough. This is my final goodbye.

-kaname

Lonely nights

Those days that you usually have occupied so you could be with someone, but that someone isn’t “that” someone anymore. Yes, I am lonely. No, I don’t need company. Maybe, I crave someone in particular to be my company.*sigh* I wish you miss me as much as I miss you, because every little second I think of you and all these things I’m doing now are insignificant projects that take my mind off the torture of us being apart. Yeah, you’re just a text or a call away, but a conversation takes two people, and you know what? That’s all I’m asking from you. You don’t need to be here next to me, holding my needy ass. You could be here and I’m just as satisfied by talking to you. I have self control and I can be selfish, but since when I ever was the selfish type? It was usually my loved one’s happiness above mine, but now that doesn’t matter. It’s my turn to whine and ask what I want, but I can’t even get that. All I ask is just a nice conversation and no, not the 3 hour break we have every after reply. I get it. There’s nothing there for us anymore, but since when were you ever this cold to me? I rather have you tell me you don’t want anything to do with me then tell me I’m your special friend. I’m fed up, because everyday I expect something from you. Just a hello and good morning would make my day, but you know what? I guess you’re too busy to even do that. Fixing a broken heart is bull shit, because once you put that shit back together you still see that mother fucking crack. Don’t you dare say you’re sorry, because you knew once you set your eyes on me, you knew there would be a storm coming after you.

-kaname