Yeah, I know I messaged you to see if you were doing well and that I hoped you’d have a goodnight. If it bothered you that much you didn’t have to call me and tell me how I’m a buzz kill. I mean “you do you” right? If it made you unhappy ignore the message, because really? I didn’t expect you to reply. I mean I guess it was nice hearing from you, but that’s not the point. If that’s how you felt with your unneeded profanities then that’s how you feel. Sometimes you need a drink to tell someone how you truly feel and I get, but good for you. I don’t take to heart, because I know you and I wouldn’t allow something petty like that hurt me. I hope you’re doing well.
Focus on your shit
I’ve come to a realize that I need to start moving on with my life. Why? Because I haven’t been budging an inch closer to my future. As much as it hurts I need to make more time for my school and drop dancing for a while once fall starts. I have shit to do and I can’t have my hobby distract me. Dance will always be there, and who said I was quitting? I will take classes, but not take part in a competition team. The hell weeks and the dedication is draining my health. How? Well I have a full time job and I pay bills. If I have to wake up at 6 am or 5am for work and then right when it hits 6pm and 3pm I need to dip and go to practice. Where’s my rest? I don’t live with my family where they can pay 100% of my life. Lately my mother has been using my account for her uses, because I make just enough to help her out. Right now all I want to focus on is myself. My time to find a partner, my time to get out of college and get into med school. I wanna move out from where I am right now and explore by myself, a place to myself. I have all these things in my way and they are obstacles, but just like everyone I have to learn how to get pass it. So after this August, I am sorry, but me will always come first. Dance, it’s only going to be a while I promise.
When he’s alone he strokes it, but when I’m there I down it for him
Fucking shit, yeah literally fucking shit. Fuck, how people meet and fall in love, then succumb to losing each other without any mends. It’s tiring, stressful, and painful. Like what the hell?
Alright don’t distant yourself from me. It’s either you leave or stay, but if you do stay. I promise you this. My 100%. I will always pull you up back to your feet. Cheering you up when you’re in distraught. I’ll always be that shoulder. Hey, I’m telling you this now. You distance yourself from me I’m not going to wait for you. I have my life, my own road, I have goals, and waiting for someone is going to hinder it. If you’re ready to move on and catch up then my arms are wide open. You just have to start running. Find your life, and if you still want me in it then you keep fighting, running till one day you’ll bump into me again. I will not wait for someone. I will NOT. So pick up the pace when you do find out what to do, because I’m out. I got shit to do, and I need to finally find the home that makes me happy. Learn to carry on, and not tremble in broken pieces. Pick them up, because the pieces are you. Don’t let anyone forge your path. You can’t carry your pieces without your self loving spirit. Just, because it’s over doesn’t mean your life is. Do what’s best for you, because, God, knows I don’t make you happy anymore… God, knows I’m not. I’ve picked up my pieces, you should to.
It has been a long time since I’ve given someone my time and efforts after a year. I was broken you know, and I was scared to give it my all. I mean.. I guess I’ve met others on the way, but it was different. It didn’t feel right at all, because it was like a really bad play running through my mind. Yes, I’ve broken hears within this year? But I did realize I needed to end the bond. I was giving someone a piece of me that wasn’t realistically there.
Then a month ago I found someone or he found me. He was whatever at first, but then I found myself trying to talk to him more than I should have. Funny thing is I was the one, nervously, contemplating if I should give him my number. Then boom. Without any hesitation he replied. From then on we had these endless conversations of randomness .calling each other snorlax and munchlax just because we always eat. Weird pet names I couldn’t even describe why we call another, bubz..hubz..fried egg and etc. HA! I started to grow feelings. I got scared then we decided to hang out. That day when we explored sf together was amazing but what was more amazing was that I did the extra mile. Knowing I didn’t know how to use caltrain… didn’t drive… and the possibility of getting lost. I took the risk and went to go see hom. Then on my life has been so much happier. My heart is always at ease. Butterflies I can’t kill continues to manifest after every talk.. I don’t know but I’ve become more human because this person has given me a reason, yet I don’t know what it is, it brightens up my dark heart. Thank you so much. I hope this continues to travel further. In my path.
Don’t let your heart control your happiness
We all know we’ve played the naive little bitch who wants to follow what their heart says, right? Well I hate that bull shit. I hate the fact that sometimes your mind start to drift apart and forget what really makes you happy. Happiness isn’t something you can get from your heart, let alone, love. In my experience love isn’t the only happiness in the world. Sometimes you can be in love, but could never be happy with your lover. Been there done that. Sometimes you have to realize letting go might help find you and your other to find true happiness. Maybe with someone else, but it does create a new beginning for someone… and I always believe new beginnings will get you closer to what really makes you happy. Don’t follow through with your heart, but follow what you think is right. Have an ideal aspiration, then follow through.
I feel trapped.
I feel cornered down and that I don’t have any choice, but to just let things happen. What the actual fuck, man?! Ugh, I need to give my real answer, and it’s going to hurt both of us….but I don’t want to lost anyone in the process… because if I lose you people around us will too. My feelings doesn’t matter anymore.. I cant love if I’m being pressured too.. I’m not cut out for it anymore. Like how some people can dance and some cannot and I’m just that person who isn’t able to. God damnit smite for my sin for which I am breaking a heart… why..?
Don’t stay with those who continue to bring you down.
“I like him… I love him.. he’s my family.." etc. I can’t bear the pain anymore. I should stay too long for those who can’t even lift a finger for me without the doubt of them aimlessly pointing a knife at my throat. This is me fighting back, I’m leaving. As much as I know how painful this is for me I just need to hold it out. Thanks for great feign adventures.. and the endeavors. You should know who you are. Have a good morning.
What the actual fuck, man?! Don’t fuckin tell me you’ll visit me at work with your friends and talk to me like we’re cool as fuck, and finally blow me off like we’re strangers when you leave. I walked in for a hug goodbye but you couldn’t even do that. Yeah, you’re welcome, homie, hope you loved the food more than the out played persona. Note that I thought we had a type of relationship where we can show off our friendship. I don’t play that different persona bull shit. I am one person and I don’t need to be any different around people, because on God knows who you really are and guess what I’m not him. I’d get it if you’d tell me your reason, but I’d have to find out on my own. Gay friends are hard to come by. LTR my fat ass nigga.
I haven’t had the time to release my emotions lately. For those who don’t know me very well when I have a lot on my mind I tend not to express it through words anymore, but through music and dance. That’s my drive. Yet these pass few months I don’t even have time for myself to do so. I love.. live.. and work. I know dance is that thing that will always be there and it’ll always be waiting for me. It’s my home. I should take this time to release all my thoughts into what I love doing. That’s the only thing I remember how to do after I lost the ability to lose myself through a vexed and damned expressless new life style.